Worth It
by sopphs
Summary: Alone he lies, humanity's biggest coward. (16 years later)


Nobody knows about how he spends every night on his room.

( Everyone knows. The twenty years old man is not subtle at all and by trying to be so becomes even less.

He often stumbles on himself.

He slams the door too hard.

He smiles too brightly on the morning.

Nobody knows.

Everyone knows, but no one says so.

So, in their eyes, nobody knows and so the fantasy goes on detached from reality.)

* * *

Nobody knows about how he has nightmares every night.

(And every night Levi wakes up, looks to the young man sleeping besides him. Strong yet vulnerable. Beautiful yet damaged._ The years have and haven't been kind to you, Jaeger._

He wipes off the sweat, kisses his forehead.

He whispers softly in his ear, holding his hand with a stronger grip - _it's not your fault, Eren, it isn't_, _it wasn't_ - and the other slowly calms down, his expressions soften and his breathing becomes even.

Levi's voice, the sound of his heartbeat, and he eases into the pain. It's still there. Always there. Forever there. Suffocating, tormenting him.

But _he's_ also always there and so everything becomes more bearable.

Nobody knows.

But he does.

And every night he wipes off his sweat, kisses him softly, holds his hand. And so, every morning, Eren smiles. )

* * *

Almost every month names are added to the list and every night Eren asks himself if it is worth it.

Every night he wishes he could simply stay like that. Engaged with his kisses, tangled on his arms, drowned on his scent. Passing his tanned fingers through impeccable black hair that is becoming progressively greyer. Forget who he is, who they are, where they walk towards. Forget time, and words, past and present ...

Wait for Death to come and get them and not fight against it.

(And every night he thinks of Mikasa and how he wishes she were still there.

For that reason he has to fight. It has to be worth it so that it can make up for his losses - her loss.

Her death can not be in vain.

Nor Marco's. Or Petra's. Or any of the others' whose names are crowding on that list.

Levi doesn't think the same way.

_Their deaths will never be worth it, Eren. When this is all over we'll be as fucked as when it started. But it will be worse because we'll be even more fucked up. And when we look back, we'll reach that conclusion - it isn't, wasn't, and will never be __**worth it**__. Humanity's future won't be worth it. Vengeance against titans won't be worth it. Citizens will take us in regard as heroes and will look with hope towards the future and we soldiers will have lost our purpose and we'll drown ourselves in alcohol. The only thing that I wish right now is that I had the guts to die before that day._

They never talked about death again. Their comrades deaths caused pain but at least the pain was still there, telling them that they are alive. At least they don't forget. At least they still have their memories. At least they know they were once alive.

At least they still haven't had to add the other's name to the list.)

* * *

Two years before _that_ happened, Eren started smoking. Levi loathed its smell, but it didn't take much time for him to start associating it with Eren's kisses.

(Two years later and Levi also started smoking. It made it seem like his kisses were still there. Like he was still there.

_Shit, shit, shit ..._

Two years and it was still not worth it. Two years and he was right. Two years and he hated to be right and he wished he could at least contemplate the thought of it being worth it.

It wasn't.

Everyone was dying around him and he, humanity's strongest soldier, was still there.

Alone he lies, humanity's biggest coward.

Humanity's biggest piece of shit.

The one that wanted to die but didn't have balls to do so.

And the one single time he was prepared to die, Erwin had stopped him, preventing him with all his strength from trying to save him. _It's impossible, Levi, he's practically dead now._

But he wasn't.

_We can't lose you too, Levi. Humanity can't lose you too._

And so he was forced to watch him die alone - humanity had lost its biggest hope, it couldn't also lose its strongest solider.

_Screw Humanity_.)

* * *

Two years before that and they never said I love you. After all, they didn't love each other.

You shouldn't love someone that will certainly be touched by Death.

(Two years later, and_ I do love you, Eren._

Two years more, and_ I should have told you that._

Four years later, _still not worth it._

Four years more, _I should have told Erwin to go fuck himself._

Six years later and Humanity has reached its final victory.

Six years more,_ yes, it was definitely not worth it._

Seven years later,_ no one else seems to know that._

Seven years more and _the ocean kind of looks like your eyes, you would have liked it, brat._)

Seven years and he sleeps into Eren's eyes for the last time and loving him was the only thing that was worth it.

Sixteen years had passed since they'd met and it had been worth it.

_It_ was worth it but nobody knows (he does).


End file.
